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center for writing | minnesota writing project | mwp invitational summer institute | institute fellows 2019

Paris Timmons

©2019

A Letter To My Babies...

To my babies:

I write this letter at a time in our lives when life seems to be the most chaotic that it has ever been. The four of you have kept me going, kept me excited, kept me motivated, kept me happy, kept me worried, kept me anxious, kept me tired, kept me protective, but most importantly kept me in love. As I look back at the last decade and some of the changes of motherhood, so much has happened, changes in demographics, careers, friendships, changes in the perception of what is the right way to raise you, the list goes on. One of the things that has always remained constant is us, we are a family, we are a team, we are each other's biggest fans. I am not sure when I will want you to read this but their are some things that I need you to know:

I need you to know that I tried. I need you all to know that no matter the unpredicted circumstance of what life has brought me, I tried my very best for you. I tried to give you a nuclear family, I tried to give you all of the things you needed, most of the things you wanted, so much so that I lost me in their for a few years. I need you to know that for your entire life my goal has been and always will be to raise you in a childhood that you don’t have to recover from. You might wonder what I mean by that. It means that you need to know what it feels like to be loved, to be wanted, to be cared for, to have unconditional guidance. When it seems that I am excessively telling you that I love you over and over again, when I give you all the kisses, or hug you at the most random times, or sing silly songs just so I can hear you giggle. The four of you should never wonder if you are meant to be here, because you are. You should never think if even for a moment that because you don’t come home to both of your parents,  that you aren’t wanted or loved. I am here, your mom, your biggest fan, your best friend, your light when the world seems so dark. 

I have always been told it takes a village to raise kids. This is so true! I can’t tell you how many times I have had to rely on other single moms to barter childcare with one another, or how many times I have had to ask other friends and sometimes family to babysit so I can make all of this happen for us. Sometimes when I didn’t have anyone to help, I relied on the amazing beings that you are to come with me to class, so I could finish my Associates degree, then my Bachelors degree, and then my Masters. The countless amount of classes that you four have attended has been amazing! I am pretty sure you all will have some college credits way before your time because of it! For your flexibility, for your patience, I thank you. 

Part of me wants to apologize for always having a minimum of three jobs for your entire upbringing. For the long 15-16 hour days of waitressing multiple restaurants, to teaching all day, working at the daycare after that, followed by throwing in a quick meal into the oven so I can lesson plan all night. I have to apologize for the chaoticness that this was, has been, and probably will be - until all of you graduate. I apologize for not giving you a two parent/two income household, instead you have a one parent household with a mama that hustles hard, hoping that you won’t know the difference.

Somehow we all manage to attend each others activities, remember we are a team, going to each others practices, games, recitals, ah! those colored coded calendars have been our lifesaver! Every single time, no matter what - I am there, screaming your name with encouragement, letting everyone know that you are MY baby! You four typically roll your eyes and lip sync,”shhh mom! You’re embarrassing me”! At which point I get louder and slightly more obnoxious. “Listen baby, I earned these tiger stripes, so I will do as I please to let you know I am here for you!” 

I need you to know that as you get older the moments in life that seem impossible, the moments where you have so many questions, the moments where you feel like nothing is going right. I will do my best, I will do my best to help you navigate this hard, tough, messy, wonderful place called life. 

Here we are, the four of you in different stages in your life, and we are all in the same moment, here, now. All of the hustling, all of the long hours, the last seven years with little to no privacy, the time has finally come. Your mom did it! I did it! I found a house that we can call our own. It has been a long road to get here, I know some days we didn’t think we could do it, but because we are a team - we did it! The five of us get our house, a house that we can make our own. A house that we will celebrate birthdays, holidays, a place where you will come home from college to do your laundry, eat all the food in the fridge, and cuddle with your mom on the couch. A place where we will have friends over to BBQ, to sit outside by the fire, a place where the light is always on (LED because you know mama don’t play with that light bill). A place where we will create more memories of us, together, as a family, as a team.

I love you four more than anything. I literally can not imagine my life without any of you completing my puzzle to life. I hope by now that you know that I have needed you way more than you have needed me, I am excited to see that this next chapter brings for us. 

Love, 
Mama