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minnesota writing project
center for writing
mwp.umn.edu
center for writing
mwp.umn.edu
Teresa Fenske-Fanucci
©2013
Excerpts From My Journal…
During the MWP Summer Institute I found out some exciting and personal news! My thoughts were constantly consumed by this news so I decided to journal about my experience and feelings. Below are a few excerpts from my journal.
July 7th, 2013
Since graduating from college there are certain questions that come up as we travel through time and climb the ladder of social norms: first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage…When are you getting married? When are you having kids? I wish I had a dollar for every time someone asked me one of those questions.
At this point in my life I have love and marriage so I suppose that I’m at the age and stage in my relationship that “baby in the baby carriage” is the next step. The minute I order water instead of wine or a coke instead of a gin and tonic I get that look that asks before the words, “Are you pregnant?” “Why water?” With a smirk and a hopeful look in the eyes of my friends as I respond, “I’m just thirsty!” My husband, John, and I have always had some excuse to dodge the question: “When are you guys going to have kids?”
Excuse #1: “We want to spend a couple of years just being married.”
When the “couple of years” turned into more than 2…
Excuse #2: “I want to have tenure so I have job security while I’m on maternity leave.” After I got tenure…
Excuse #3: “We are going to wait for our house to be built.”
Now, we’ve just moved into our brand new house—still boxes and piles everywhere and the fresh smell of paint lingers. No grass, no curtains, no more excuses!
July 8th, 2013
My whole life I knew that one day, I would be a mother—whether it was the traditional way or the unconventional way, I would be a mother someday. However strange, in all of the daydreams and thoughts of motherhood, I never actually imagined myself pregnant. So, after taking my third home pregnancy test and seeing the word “pregnant” spelled out clearly on the screen telling me that my time had come to be a mother, all of the cliché emotions passed through me: joy, fear, and exhilaration. Also, experiencing the less familiar feeling that everything was about to change.
July 15th, 2013
I had my first ultrasound this afternoon! There is still a baby in my uterus—not just a dream or some crazy false positive pregnancy test. I was informed that the fetus (which is officially a fetus and no longer an embryo) measured in at 9 weeks and 1 day, which means s/he is the size of a green olive, so they bumped my due date up a couple days from February 18th to the 16th. The sonographer made sure the baby was in the right place and was able to detect a heartbeat, which looked like quick flashes on the monitor. Heartbeat was 170 beats per minute, which she said was “normal.” She couldn’t determine which side was the head and which side was a foot but I figured that a heart was a good place to start.
July 17th, 2013
Tonight was Mel’s 30th birthday party—a relaxing backyard get-together with pizzas fired on the grill, chips and guacamole, and of course a cooler of iced-cold beverages. The party invite stated that they would provide non-alcoholic drinks but we could BYOB—this and the 90-degree heat were great excuses not to have a beer in my hand. Cathy and Kasia, my two best friends and only non-family members privy to our news were there. We sat down with one of Mel’s friends, Becca and her 4-month old son. I did not want to dominate the conversation with talk of pregnancy and how I was feeling so I didn’t say anything but somehow the topic still turned into a full-on conversation about child rearing with a side of nursing.
Becca’s son was of course adorable. She filled us in with how she is back at work and how exhausted she has been with 4-hour increments of sleep every night. I could see Cathy and Kasia sneak glances at me as if they were asking, “You ready for this?” or saying, “That’s going to be you next summer!” Becca was preparing for her first weekend away from her son, so she had been stockpiling breast milk in the freezer so that her husband would be set! There was another couple sitting at the end of the table that had been moderately involved in the conversation but became full-on participants when the man stated, “I once tried on the breast pump and it hurt like hell!” This hilarious and somewhat random comment had everyone laughing. Becca said that he probably needed to loosen it because, “You should be mildly uncomfortable, not in severe pain.” I was pretty sure that the pump realized that the man’s nipple was not meant for its services.
July 24, 2013
I’m exhausted, fatigued, worn-out and tired. My body is dead and unwilling to move. All I want and need right now is my bed, comforter and Downton Abbey reruns.
More to come…
