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Erin Moore


Erin Moore

Kitty Cat Victory

I opened one eye, then the other to the sun streaming through my east facing window. I grudgingly rolled over, anticipating one of my feline house guests scurrying from behind me, but no kitties in the bed. During their extended, indefinite stay at my house, they regularly took up every inch of space, especially at night. Not just curling up at the foot of my bed, but next to me, on me, in front of me, behind me, on my face, wherever they would see fit. Some nights one would bite me in the head to wake me up, other nights I would wake to the other cat suckling on his nipples, disturbing. I continued to stretch, reveling in my triumph. Even though I had not driven the cats from the room, I silently celebrated the self-created victory of no kitties in the bed! I spread out before launching myself out of bed, my body grumbling at me as I slid into my chair to get ready for my day. The cats scrambled away from the wheels of my chair. I’m sure they celebrated their own victory of not getting run over.

While I flat ironed my hair, the fat cat leaped up from the floor to my lap, a common practice since I had taken the cats in for my boyfriend while he traveled weekly for work. The black and white cat preened himself, tried bolting onto the vanity, another common practice, but this time, victory was mine. No fat cat on the vanity, no curious cat sniffing the toothbrushes, no black and white cat almost burning his paws or tail on the flat iron, but when he jumped down from my lap, the victory was his. The fat cat may have left my lap, but he left a present on my jeans – the leftovers that didn’t make it to the litter box. Hmmm, just one more reason to have less than lukewarm feelings for cats, and reinforcing why I have never had any pets. After my initial expletives, I cleaned up, finished getting myself together and continued to gripe under my breath about the fat cat who left a small turd on my pants leg.

The other kitty, the really dumb one, looked at me blankly, his usual expression, from the puddle of sunshine in the living room. He screeched at me what was supposed to be a meow before jumping in my lap. Following my regular routine with a kitty in my lap, I trucked further into the living room to pack up my computer, and I saw the next of the kitty offenses: kitty puke laying in front of the couch. By this time, the kitty, the dumb kitty (the probable puke culprit based on the stomach contents littering the living room floor) had leaped from my lap to lay in yet another sun beam. He looked at me innocently, slightly grinning as if celebrating his victory as I cleaned up the gooey mess and tried not to think about its gooiness.

Catastrophe number two was managed without scarring trauma, and I could still make it out of the house on time. I grabbed the kitty crack, as we affectionately call their apparently highly addictive treats, my purse, my keys, and saw the little kitty water tank tipped over in the kitchen, a third of the water from the liter jug spilled across the floor. My memory recalled hearing something in the middle of the night; apparently, the water jug being knocked off its base was the suspicious noise. I set my purse, my keys and the kitty crack back on the counter, deciding whether or not to clean up the mess before leaving, listening to the dumb kitty squeak his creaky door meow at me as if he questioned what I would do, trying to prevent him from jumping in my lap, but to no avail.

With dumb kitty in my lap, I tipped up the water jug so no more water would spill out, grabbed the mop, and gently shoved dumb kitty from my lap. He watched, curiously, his head cocked to one side as I mopped up the kitty wading pool. Most of the water sopped into the mop, but some sloshed across the floor, toying with the toes of two kitties trying to get too close to the action. They darted away from the wake of water sliding toward them as if it were an ocean wave, another victory for them. It was nice to see the two of them having the time of their lives as I cleaned up yet another mess they made.

I was finally satisfied with the amount of water I had removed from the floor. At least it was only water, and at least I got up early enough to give myself time to clean it up. I gathered my things, threw two pieces of kitty crack on the floor for each cat to chase around while I made my escape, my victory out the front door.

Otis – The Fat Cat

I am Otis the voyeuristic cat
And I like to sit in your lap
While you do your makeup or brush your teeth
While you sit on the toilet
Or anything in between
I am Otis the voyeuristic cat

Oh, how I enjoy watching the lady sleep. It is quite fun to step across all of her squishy parts over and over until I wake her up, but I am warm this morning, so I will leave her alone. She seems to be resting calmly and I don’t think she will pet me, and I am not in the mood to bite her in the head. I will shower with her later. That will cool me off a bit. A kitty of my girth needs to pay special attention to keeping cool.

The lady stirs! I shall wait on the bathroom floor for her – ahhh, nice and cool. Oh here comes the lady in her blasted chair contraption. I will need to move or be pinched by the front wheels. I will wait for her in the shower, of course at the back so I stay cool but don’t get wet when the lady picks up the water sprayer.

Ooooh, my favorite part, fresh water in the shower mixed with a hint of sweetness from the bottles she pours on a cloth. My water from my dish is spilled all over the kitchen floor. The stupid little kitty decided to fight with me last night, and as I was chasing him through the kitchen he knocked over the water cooler. It made a mess, and I did not want to get my paws wet at that time, so I stopped chasing him and relaxed in my tower. Now that the lady has showered I at least have my own water to sip that’s not on the floor. The shower and the floor are far from the same. I have the right to be particular, I am far superior to the stupid little kitty, and do not wish to share water with him.

Now the lady is doing her hair. I do enjoy relaxing on the shelf in the bathroom and watching her prepare for her day. I know that she doesn’t like me up there, but I don’t understand. For now I will sit in her lap and watch her. It is comfy in her lap, and I am much cooler now after showering with her.

I do not like when the lady leaves, and I know that she will leave soon. It makes me anxious when she is gone, and that makes me a smelly cat. At least I have used the litter box recently so that I can relax in her lap. I should check on the little kitty though to make sure he isn’t stealing food or making more of a mess. He is very difficult to manage.

It seems the lady isn’t leaving yet. For some reason she went back to her room to change her pants. Did I do something bad? She is a very nice lady and would never scold me unless I was in danger. I wonder if she will clean up the mess from the water dish in the kitchen before she leaves. Even though it was the little kitty’s fault, I hope she cleans it up. That means she will be here for longer. I will watch her, but I don’t want to get water on my delicate kitty feet. They are sensitive.

Look at how nice the lady is. She is even getting us fresh water before our treats. The little one is meowing. Humph, I should teach him how to really meow later. I fear he will never sound like a big boy kitty.

The lady is leaving. I do not know why she doesn’t go out the garage door any longer. I would have liked to play in there this morning. At least I can when she returns this afternoon. For now, I will lay in this sunbeam and hope the little kitty doesn’t bother me too much today.

The dumb kitty – Max

I don’t like it that I’m at Auntie Erin’s house. She’s nice and she gives me crack, but not as much as Uncle Eddie gives me. Plus I have to share other stuff with Otis, and he’s a bully and a fat cat. Auntie Erin is not the problem. I like sleeping at the foot of her bed, or next to her head. If I sleep by her feet I can lick my nipples all I want and she can’t do anything. She says that I’m going to go blind, but I don’t care as long as I can still find my nipples. Sometimes I want to be close to her and lay by her head and lick my nipples. She doesn’t like that very much though. I think it might wake her up, but she always wakes me up and makes me move so she doesn’t run me over with her chair. This morning though, I’m going to wait for the food instead of bothering Auntie Erin. If I sit near the food dispenser, I will hopefully beat that fat cat, and then he won’t be able to hog it all. He always hogs the food, and then I have to steal. That’s why he’s fat and I’m skinny.

I don’t feel very well though. Uncle Eddie bought me a new toy and I really like it. I don’t think I should have eaten part of it though. Maybe I’m not a very smart kitty. Uh oh, I think I made a mess. I hope Auntie Erin cleans it up soon. It’s kind of icky. Oh, here she comes. I’ll sit by the little mess to let her know it’s here. I’m sure she’ll like that. I hope she gives me crack first though. I love crack and can’t get enough. Oh boy! She just cleaned up my mess and picked up the crack. I better jump in to her lap to make sure that I get some. She set it down. Why would she set it down?

Oh, that’s right, the other mess. Stupid fat cat chased me around the kitchen last night and I may have knocked the water over. Ooops. It sat on the floor all night. I don’t think Auntie Erin is very happy, and now she set the crack down which means that I’ll have to wait longer for it. Stupid fat cat. I better sit near Auntie Erin while she cleans it up, just to remind her that I’m here. I don’t want to get wet though. This is taking forever and I want crack! I really wish that she would pay more attention to me. I like it better when Uncle Eddie is here.

It looks like she’s done cleaning now. Do I get crack? Huh? Can I please have some crack? Aaaaaah, it’s so good! She can go wherever she wants now. I will be a good kitty (as long as she gives me more crack when she gets home.)